The Joy of Christmas Morning

This poem was written for the church service on Christmas Eve where my family was responsible for the aspect of joy during advent.


Christmas morning
So crisp and clear
Eyelids stirring
A child awakens
The warmth and comfort of bed so vastly unimportant
When there's a tree and presents downstairs.

Quietly moving
Not waking mum and dad
Who say six am is too early
The tree comes into view
All anticipations greatly met
A radiant smile
A glowing joy
Face shining as brightly as the tree
But even this child
So young and new
Knows it's about more than what's under the tree
More than a wrapped present
From Santa so far north.

Not long after the presents have shed their paper
Their bows and ribbons
Their effect will diminish
No longer will they instil such powerful joy
Soon they become just another toy
At the back of the closet
Collecting dust
But there's one gift which never diminishes
Never fades nor tarnishes
There's one gift which fits all
Every single shape and size
And whose inspiration of joy
Never dims
The gift of life everlasting
Brought to earth as a baby
Who would lead us all
From death on a cross
To the realm of heaven
No more need man fear death
And the judgement of God.

So we set our eyes on Jesus
And the love He has for us
To each new day we look with joy
Knowing He already paid the price
And that we are forever saved
The star on the top of the tree
Where the child's eyes now travel
Reminds us of this
And causes us to find great joy
Even where none should abide
Trials and tribulations
Suffering and sorrow
None can conquer the joy we find in Jesus
Our Lord and Saviour.

Smiling at this greatest gift of all
The child returns to bed
Awaiting the time when the sun is fully risen
And the joy found that morningCan be shared again.

A veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery old poem that I found when cleaning my room... (That, as I have just discovered, I didn't actually write. I did find it in my room... but it had been copied from elsewhere.)

That so few words
Could cut so deeply.
That words alone
Could so offend.
Cast not aside my love
So cheaply.
For wounds of passion seldom mend.

He'll be here soon
Almost time to go
What could be sorted by then?
Fixed in that short time?
Not much
Not rushed like this.
What we need is a roof and some stars,
A tree and the wind,
A blank openness where thoughts are free to bounce and reverberate
To liberate
To order
To fall in place.
A still night,
Black or bright
It doesn't matter
As long as there's time.
The quiet air
Lifting, flowing
Carrying up and away
Bringing back
Peace.
Looking up and seeing nothing but eternity
Black velvet and bright lines
Caressing my torn mind
Calm and cool
Nothing but me and open endless possibility.

I sat out in the midnight and thought of you.
I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.
I didn't know how to deal with it
So I sat outside and froze
Maybe it was metaphorical
This freezing of myself
I just wanted to be free
I wanted to tell you
To be free
But how would I start?
How do you begin to bear your soul?
And how would it finish?
I don't know that I want to know
Maybe I have to know
Maybe that's what this is all about
This freezing of myself

It comes more easily in the dark
Thoughts flow
Patterns focus
Everything shifts and slides and clicks into place
But in that clarity
You yourself are easily lost
Drowning while breathing nothing but air
Smothered by those clear-focused thoughts

What do you choose, fickle little dust mote?
Freely, smoothly you float in the light
Clouds come, shadows fall, and so do you
Swirling down and down till new sun is found
You rise up again
You can't help it can you
This soaring and screaming
If you had a voice, you would rage and cry
At the madness of shadows
But as is your nature, you remain silent
The toy of outside forces
The focal point of their insanity
You cannot change it and you cannot cry out
You cannot even blink
Cover your eyes until it is over
Rise up
Fall down
Rise up
Fall down
If you had a voice,
Would you cry out?

I don't want to move
But I don't want to stay
Happiness never was found in this way

I can't stay here
I've got to move on
But chances are slipping away till they're gone

It's crowded and lonely
With no one to say
You can do this, don't worry, it will be ok

It's something I know
That I'll do on my own
Shouldn't I be so lucky, to be all alone

I'm a strange mix just now
Please don't ask me to explain
I don't want to love you
I'd like to keep you at arms length
But once you go past my fingertips
I clutch at you and draw you back
Only to find myself again
And push away
I don't mean to tease
It's not my intention
To be the carrot on a string
I'm sorry
I'm trying not to love you

These next three poems were written while I was sitting at the kitchen/living room window at night in the dark looking out onto the street. I was writing down the first thing that came to me and as such they are a little disjointed and I have absolutely no idea what any of them mean.

The last one is a little more my normal style. I was having the hardest time NOT rhyming. It was very strange. I think I haven't written enough poems in the last while.. Which is actually why I wrote the first two with the first thoughts to came to me, because if I thought too hard about it, nothing at all came.

Anyway, enjoy. :>

Confused and distorted
Twisted but sorted

Briefly stand still
Overabundantly spill
Arranging the kill
Mocking the thrill
Splitting the bill
but cheating the till

Wind pour down
Spill out and drown

Blazing alive
On darkness we thrive

Contrite and dimished
Won't say that it's finished.

Carrying across this thing on my back
Thinking of all the things that I lack

The night opens before me
Black creeping up to meet the retreating light
Darkness giving me chances to think
Nothing to interrupt
To disturb
Thoughts wander round, rattle about
The wind and traffic add to their chatter
Making the most perfect silence
I sip my tea
And think of things

I like the quiet dark

This next batch of poems are old ones that I have rediscovered while looking through an old journal. That said, when you read them, don't dwell on the mostly negative feelings that these poems emanate, and just read the poems for what they are. They don't represent my life at this time. I will include the dates that they were written so you'll know what period in my life they do represent.

Untitled

A black cloud has descended upon my life
And yet my eyes remain clear
And focused
On that distant point just beyond the horizon
Where the pristine waters flow
And the sun beams
On the carefree children’s faces
As they laugh and sing
While my body drowns in its sorrow
My heart flies free
With the wind
My mind knows of the message
It is to send to my eyes
To cry
Still, that message is delayed
In the very fabric
That is our world
For my mind know what others have forgotten
That the darkest days can never be so bleak
So long as I remember the time when I was happy

June 17, 2001

The Storm

I am ruled by my emotions
They raise me up
They let me fall
They are the thinking behind my every reason
The motives to my every crime
The tip on the sharp dagger
Driven deep into my soul
Wounding me
Healing me

My life if not my own to experience
My life is not my own to grasp

I ride upon the wave crest
Or tumble deep inside
The monsoon that is my anguish
Leaves me gasping for air
My lungs aching, craving, dying
Until a breath of air passes by

A glimmer of light
A release of control?
The storm is calm for a time
For a time

September 11, 2004

Emotions Awry

They do what they would with me
Always have
They poke and prod, sting and bite
The uselessness of my attempts at control
They only laugh
Silly girl, they say. Can’t you see?
I don’t want to see
I want to feel, but not by them
I want to laugh, but not when they tell me to
I want to sing when they say cry
To dance when they say drown
To be alive and free and never shackled
Tied to the wall
Battered and bruised
Driven to madness by what they say
By their control
They are the festering sore in my side
The tumor in my head
Benign in sunlight they come to life in the dark
They wrap around my throat
Until all I have is them
They become my sight
My breath
My thought
In the darkness they accomplish their task
They become me

September 11, 2004

The Eye

Howling winds, blustery skies
Sandstorms kick and dirt blown high
Carving rock and tumbling stone
And then there’s me, all alone
Constantly changing, transformation
The past wiped out, obliteration
The future drawn, pencil grey
So why does my past never go away?
The seasons change, as do they
The rock reforms, like potter’s clay
Two steps forwards and not one back
But my shoes won’t budge, stuck to the track
I cough and I splutter, alone in their dust
I can’t shake it off, but I have to, I must
Everything moves forwards as time storms by
But me, alone, stuck in the eye

October 5, 2004

Standing upon your silent spot
Gazing out, comprehending not
Countless years and tides flow by
Sun then stars and moon draw nigh
Sailing above, reflected below
Casting on you an ethereal glow
You harken them not, but steadily stare on
Standing sentinel until the pink dawn
The seasons will come and they will go
Covering you both with rain and snow
Silent and watchful you still stand
Glad to be holding your rod in your hand
A fish draws near, one at last
But not to be caught, when you've no line to cast

An open room
A whirlwind encircling
Rushing past
Opportunities
Wishing
Wanting
Not quite grasping
Sliding through
Fingers outstretched
Can't hold on
Can't find
What am I looking for?

Poem for Dan

A transparent stare, a vacant gaze
Yet still all things remain the same
A cry witheld, the storm contained
Things will never ever change
A rimless fire, a beating heart
The way things seem to stop and start
Here now, then away and gone
Heart and head don't get along
You love me not, or so you say
I tell myself it's best this way
You carry on, the same routine
To see you better is my dream
Come back from darkness into light
Just take His hand, it'll be all right
You cannot even imagine that
Life could be so good, on the narrow path

I didn't want to lie
I wanted to say
But what would it have accomplished?
The truth would have come out
It would have been the same as always
Sympathy, pity perhaps
Rejection nonetheless
It's always the same

Dissapointment again
Always the same
Unknowingly they tread
My soft heart into the ground

The wind whistles past
The clouds change
The flowers bloom, die
And bloom again
I feel the wind pulling at me,
Come forwards with me, it calls
Come see where I will take you.
I look down to see my feet
Will you take me with the wind?
They have become part of the earth
Overgrown with grass, held down
I look up again. The wind carries on
I have not moved
A storm brews, breaks
And moves on.
I am still there
Familiar whispers, carried forwards
I watch them go, wondering why I cannot
A season passes
The rains come and go
The wind returns
Come forwards with me, it calls
Come see where I will take you.
I look down,
My feet are still buried.

I don't like cauliflower thank you.
At one time, I wouldn't have minded,
But no more.
No more.

You are fine to grow in my garden
You are fine to look at
To be around,
But I don't want you on my plate

Your life is apalling little flower
So much wrong
And if I detest it so,
Why do I find myself thinking of you

Through the day
Running through my head
Nothing but you
Nothing but you

Imaginings, daydreams
They are all there
Yet I would never allow myself
To place you on my plate

And still
All I can think of
Is how much
I would like to take a bite

Blow wind blow.
Blow harder.
Blow me right away,
Where I can be free.

Where am I?
Am I going,
Or coming?
Leading,
or following?

Lost in a prairie of uncertainty,
My map and compass gone.
The sky is dark and the sun won't rise,
Nothing to follow.

I don't know.

I thought I knew once.
I thought I didn't need my compass.
I think I've seen that tree before.

Round and round about,
Spinning and spinning.
I can't think.
I don't know.
I can't decide.

I'm lost.

Torn in two
To lie down?
Or to scream and cry..
.
.
.

Stumbling Block

Isolated on a lonely hill
Amidst the clouds and mists
There is a lonely wall
Of crumbling stone
And frayed dreams
I walk upon this wall
Endlessly
The narrow height stretches
One side of infinity to the other
Never forwards
Never backwards
I am stuck
Stuck on my wall
Never to move on from where I stand
Doomed to pace endlessly
No progress

But one day
A day will come
When my wall will hold me no more
On that day
I will take a step
Plunge into the unknown
I will take a step
And learn to fly

a tomb of empty echoes, cobwebs in every corner
a dark, unpleasant odour creeping near the floor, suffocating
eyes welded shut, stitched together in stupidity
no light reaches here
it is lost

narrow passages, much too narrow
twisting and turning, confusing
hands groping for familiarity, finding nothing,
but shadows and dust
shadows and dust

tighter and tighter the walls squeeze
crushing, suffocating
eyes straining to open and see
choked by the decay
drowning in my own death

My lonliness is a troublesome forest, stretching dark and endless both before and after me
Brambles and jagged thorns ensnare my voice leaving it a dead whisper in my throat
My eyes hold longingly to the passing fairylights just off the path, always out of reach
A dry tongue working over rotted teeth
I could no more call out to them than I could escape my forest
They pass by, a reflection of the desires of my heart
Briefly sparkling in the dusk before sliding on ahead of me
Where I cannot keep up and am lost forever from their sight
I shuffle along the uneven ground
Lacking courage to battle my thorns
Lacking strength to lift my head and find a thin spot,
A yielding, penetrable weakness in my chain link of doubts
Desperately I wish to leave my self inflicted prison
To bask in the collective sunlight of those gathered fairylights
To find a piece of their bubbling gaiety for myself
But the thorns draw closer together
The brambles more tightly knit
Afraid, I cast my eyes downwards and let the forest feed off my fear

P.S. There are 3 small changes in this poem from its original version (not that anyone will notice) and since it's my own poem, I'm allowed.

The Simplest Happiness

Swirling swirling, dancing twirling

Eyes shut tight, head thrown back

Bare feet scratching in the dust

Sun reflecting in my face

Blowing on the breeze

The song of my life

Quiet orchestral

Loud and rumbling

Softly now, harshly trembling

Alone for miles

Surrounded by laughter

White cloth, morning dew

Silence broken only by the song in my head

The voices lifting, flowing down

Life is nothing

Life is everything

Life is twirling round and round

Sorrow

The girl sits in her silent vigil.
Her inner being crying the tears she cannot shed.
Her eyes close and she sighs from the depths of her soul.
She has lost the one that has meant most to her.
Her being cries out to be held and yet rejects all those who come near.
Her soul shakes with the violent sobs that leave her eyes dry.
Unable to shed her sorrow she bears it with her forever.
No one can understand the depth to which she suffers.
Tears well up and then retreat and will not fall.
It is her curse to bear this terrible load alone.
Those who know her not so well become irritated at her constant mourning.
They tell her to get over it.
But she cannot.
And as the world darkens her lips move to form the words.
The words which she will wish for long before ever they are acted upon.
Her lips move.
I wish to die.

The Moonlight and the Beast

Tis black outside.
The trees bend low
And accept their punishment from the wrathful wind.
Patiently they suffer as he executes his tyranny.
And quietly I walk below.

I shudder as the gale passes beside me.
If he is to learn my presence,
He shall carry my scent to his guard.
For I am an intruder in his woods
And he shall want something for my trespass.

But perhaps it is already too late.
Perhaps the shape-shifter runs low in the shadows.
The wind aids his guard and lifts the clouds
From the moon.
A howl fills the air.

I hear his ragged breath behind me.
I feel his lust for life,
Mine.
Fangs bared, he leaps out at me,
Pins me to the ground.

His breath, hot and sour
Suffocates me.
I feel my life slipping
And think of the place I never reached.
His jaws open wide,

Darkness.